~Chapter 8~
We Vainly Wrestle
(originally posted June 28, 2007)

Mart stayed with Trixie all night, sitting up on her futon while she slept curled up beside him.  On Saturday morning he tried to get her to open up about what had happened at Indian Lake, but she stubbornly refused to talk about it, begging him profusely not to talk to Jim or Dan.

“What could I say?” Mart grumbled in frustration.  “I don’t know anything.”

“Thank you, Mart,” Trixie sighed gratefully, starting a pot of coffee brewing, which both of them desperately needed.  “I know I’m not being fair to you, putting you in the middle of your sister, your best friend, and your boss, but I honestly don’t know what’s going on myself and until I figure that out, I really don’t want you sticking your nose into it.”  She didn’t say it harshly and Mart didn’t take it that way.

“All right, Trix,” he said resignedly, “but remember I’m just a phone call away.”

“I know, and I appreciate it,” Trixie smiled.

Mart’s phone rang.  “See?” he smiled as he picked it up.

Trixie laughed weakly, appreciating his effort to lighten the mood.  “That’s Sally.  Don’t tell her you spent the night with a strange blonde.”

“Strange is right,” Mart joked back.  He saw on the display that it was not Sally Drake, but Jim.  He directed the call to his voicemail.  “I’ll talk to Sally later,” he said to Trixie, not wanting her to know that Jim had called him, and not particularly wanting to talk to him either.  “Are you going to be okay?  Do you want me to stay?”

"Yes and no,” Trixie answered with a small smile.  “I think being alone is really what I need right now, Mart.  And I don’t know when or how, but I will be all right.  I promise.”

************************************************

The week passed by in a blur for Trixie.  She managed to get to all her classes on time and perform her duties acceptably at the law office, but she felt like she was sleepwalking through it all.  Even studying day and night for her finals wasn’t enough to distract her.

Dan called several times during the week, but Trixie let the voicemail catch it every time and called him back when she knew he wouldn’t be able to answer, leaving him messages that she hoped would convince him nothing was wrong and that they were just unfortunate to keep missing each other.

Jim called three times, leaving messages of abject apology for his behavior and begging Trixie to call him so they could talk about it.  Trixie did not return his calls.  She knew Jim’s apologies were sincere, but she didn’t know how she could talk to him about what she was feeling inside.  The only calls she accepted all week were from Mart, who called every day to check on her, never pressing for details, but making it clear he was ready to listen whenever his sister was ready to talk.

As Friday evening neared, Trixie grew more and more anxious.  She didn’t know how she was going to face Dan.  She knew she had to tell him what had happened, but she didn’t know how.  Trixie and Dan were always open with each other.  It was one of the aspects of their relationship that Trixie most valued.  She knew she could never keep this from him, but she was still in a turmoil over it and wasn’t sure how she was going to express those feelings to Dan when she didn’t understand them herself.

At 5:30 on the dot, there was a knock at her door.  Taking a deep breath, Trixie went to answer it and was immediately swept into Dan’s longing embrace.  “God, I missed you, babe!” he mumbled in between kisses.  His hands groped frantically, like a lusty teenager in the front seat of his father’s car with the head cheerleader.

Forcing out a strained giggle, Trixie pushed him back.  “Really, Dan.  What will Mrs. Howard think about her two favorite boarders making out in the hallway?”

“You’re right, of course,” Dan said chagrined, before a leering grin spread across his face, “So let’s get behind closed doors.”  He pulled Trixie towards his apartment. 

Trixie pulled away with a laugh, wondering how many times she could giggle like that before Dan realized how canned it was.  “Time enough for that later.  I need to finish my studying and jump into the shower.  Why don’t you pick up some Chinese for dinner?”

“Bottle of wine?”

Trixie wasn’t sure getting drunk was the best idea, although a little alcohol might help fortify her for the night ahead.  “Sure.  I’ll be over in half an hour.”

Trixie used every one of those thirty minutes to gear herself up for the evening.  When she came through Dan’s door, she heard soft jazz coming from the stereo.  There were candles lit on the table and two plates already laid out.  Dan came out of the kitchen with two glasses of wine, handing one to Trixie.  She took a few quick gulps and quickly sat down at the table.  “What did you get?  I’m starving.”  And Trixie suddenly realized that she was.  She had been so stressed out the past week that she hadn’t made much time for eating.

She and Dan made small talk while they ate.  Dan reminded Trixie that he would be in Langley, Virginia that week on a special field trip that he and only a handful of other cadets had been chosen for.  He would be leaving Monday night from the academy and wouldn’t be back until late Friday night.  Trixie murmured that she would miss him and hoped he’d have a good trip.  Dan asked her about her finals, which were coming up that week.  Was she ready for them?  Was she worried about them?  Trixie answered in monosyllables.  Dan hinted that they’d have a special celebration that weekend after her finals were over and he was back home.  Trixie said nothing.

She ate a lot, and ate quickly, while polishing off more than a couple of glasses of wine in the process.  It was obvious to Dan that something was bothering her, but he didn’t say anything.  He assumed she was worried about her finals.  When Trixie rose to take their plates to the kitchen, she felt a slight head rush and swayed on her feet.  “No more wine for me tonight,” she joked as Dan shot her an anxious glance.

She put the leftovers in the fridge, rinsed off the plates and glasses, and stood there for a moment staring out the window above the kitchen sink.  She was feeling worse, not better, after her “fortification”.  She had better talk to Dan quickly before she lost all courage.  Suddenly, she felt his arms around her and his lips on her neck.  “How about dessert?” he whispered.

Trixie turned around to him.  Taking that as consent, Dan began unbuttoning her blouse.  Trixie put her hands over his.  “Dan, I need to tell you something,” she said seriously.

“Later,” he murmured, slipping his hands inside her blouse and stroking her smooth skin.  “It’s been too long, babe.”

Trixie pushed him away, more severely than she intended, “Two weeks is too long, Dan?  Is that all this relationship is about?  Sex?”

Dan looked down at her in surprise.  “Of course, not.  Trixie, wha – ?”

“I told you I needed to tell you something and all you can think about is getting my pants off!” she shouted, brushing past him into the living room.

Dan stood there in shock for a few seconds before dashing out after her.  She was sitting on the edge of the couch, her head in her hands.  Dan sat quietly on the coffee table in front of her and put his hands on her thighs.  When she looked up, Dan was stunned to see how pale she was.  He opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, but she suddenly leapt off the couch and ran to the bathroom, where Dan could hear her throwing up.  He stood there for a moment with furrowed brow and then his face grew as pale as Trixie’s had been.

When Trixie came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Dan rushed to her and grabbed her hand.  “God, Trixie.  Are you…?  I mean, did we…?”

Trixie stared at him blankly, not comprehending.  “I drank too much, Dan.  I’m not dying.”

”No, I mean…could you be…” he gulped.  “Are you pregnant, Trix?”

Trixie’s face grew red.  “No!” she practically shouted.  “No, I just had too much wine, Dan.  That’s all.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.  “I know we’ve taken precautions, but there’s only one birth control that’s 100% effective, and we definitely haven’t been practicing that,” he grinned.  Trixie didn’t seem to appreciate his attempt at humor.

Still holding Trixie’s hand, he led her to the couch and sat her down, then resumed his seat in front of her on the coffee table.  He held her hands in his and looked tenderly into her eyes.  “I’m sorry, babe.  What did you need to tell me?”

Trixie desperately covered up a sob.  Dan was the most wonderful man she knew.  She had betrayed him and he had no idea.  Tightly gripping Dan’s hands, she took a deep breath and began.  “Last weekend, when you couldn’t come home, I went up to Indian Lake.  I mean, Jim was here in Albany and he asked me to come up for the weekend.”  Dan was silent, waiting for her to continue.

“We went out riding in the mountains.  We had a really nice time.  It was just like being back in Sleepyside again.  Mart and his new girlfriend were going to have dinner with us.”  Dan showed no reaction to the news of Mart’s new girlfriend.  Trixie wondered if he already knew, or if he was just waiting for the hammer to fall.  She let it fall.

“He kissed me, Dan.  Jim kissed me.”

Dan was as still as a statue.  He didn’t say anything.  He made no sound.  He didn’t move.  Trixie could hear the clock on the wall ticking out the seconds.  A car horn sounded across the street. 

Finally, Dan spoke.  “Did he…?”  He paused.  He couldn’t even begin to fathom how he could ask this question at all, much less as it concerned one of his closest friends.  “Did Jim…force himself on you?”

“No!  No, of course not!” Trixie said in astonishment.  “He just kissed me, that’s all.”

Dan let out a long, slow breath.  He looked at Trixie with a befuddled expression on his face.  “Well…I can’t say as I’m real happy about this.  But gosh, Trix, I was expecting a lot worse from the way you were behaving.”  He paused, then continued, “Did Jim apologize?”

“Yes,” Trixie said in a small voice.  “More than once.”

“Okay.  So…Jim was an ass.  He apologized.  It’s over.” Dan leaned over to kiss Trixie’s cheek.  “It’s okay, babe.  No big deal.  We’ll live.”

Trixie shook her head.  “You don’t understand, Dan.”

“Sure I do.  Jim used to date you, Trix.  You are a beautiful, sexy woman.  He had a moment of weakness.  I guess he was due, after all those years of being so damn perfect.”

Trixie shook her head again, more forcefully this time.  She had to tell him everything.  “Dan, I let him kiss me.  I didn’t stop him.  I kissed him back.  I wanted to.”  Her heart was beating so hard she thought her chest would rupture.

“What are you saying, Trixie?” Dan’s voice was flat.  “Did you…did you stay with him – sleep with him?”

Trixie’s eyes widened in horror.  “NO!” she shouted.  “God no, Dan!  It was a kiss.  Nothing more.  I made Mart take me home right after it happened.”

Dan shook his head slowly.  “Then I don’t understand.  Why are you so upset?”  Another awful thought entered his mind.  “Did you…want to sleep with him?  Do you?”

Trixie closed her eyes.  She didn’t know how to answer that.  She’d been wrestling with her feelings for a week and hadn’t come up with any answers she could understand.

Her silence shook Dan to his core.  He released her hands and stood up, walking to the window to stare out into the darkness.  “Do you?” he asked again, his voice hushed.

“No,” Trixie said, without conviction.  “I mean…I don’t know.  No.  I love you, Dan.”

“You don’t sound very sure.”

A few tears escaped to run down Trixie’s cheeks.  “I’m not sure of anything, Dan.  I hate feeling this way.  I’ve been a mess all week.  I don’t know what’s going on with me.”  She put her face in her hands and leaned over, feeling light-headed again.

“It’s just been the semester from hell,” she continued.  “I took on too many classes.  I’ve been working too many hours trying to make ends meet.  You’ve been gone...”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” Dan asked.  His eyes were stormy and Trixie could tell that long, slow fuse of his was getting close to blowing.

“No.  I didn’t say that, Dan.  I don’t think that.”

“You know, it was just a couple of minutes ago that you were accusing me of basing our relationship entirely on sex.  But I wasn’t the one running off kissing someone else the first weekend we were apart!”

Trixie was sobbing openly now.  “Dan, I said I was sorry.  I didn’t want to keep this from you.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, I’m real glad we’re open and honest about our infidelities!”

“I was not unfaithful, Dan!  It was one stupid kiss!  I’m sorry it happened.  I wanted to tell you about it because I love you, Dan, and I don’t want to keep any secrets from you.”

“I don’t want to get into a screaming match with you, Trixie,” Dan said.  His voice was quiet, but in a way that chilled Trixie’s heart.  “Maybe you should go back to your place for awhile.  We both need some time to cool off.”

Trixie stood up and quickly went to stand near Dan by the window.  “Dan, I want to stay and talk about this.  I don’t want to leave.”  She stretched out her hand to touch his arm.

Dan shook her off and walked away.  “But I want to you go, Trix.”

Numb with sorrow, Trixie slowly made her way to the door.  She opened it, then stopped and turned to Dan.  “I swear to you, Dan…I love you.  I love you.”

Dan’s jaw was clenched, but his eyes were softened because of the tears glistening in them.  “Trixie, I love you.  I love you with ALL of my heart.  I just don’t know if you can say the same.”  And he turned and went to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

************************************************

Trixie cried herself to sleep that night.  How many times has that happened this past week? she thought when she woke up the next morning.  Her head ached from the wine she had consumed the night before.  She stumbled to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee percolating.  She was standing in the kitchen in a daze, trying to get a grip on the day, and on herself, when she heard Dan’s door open and close.  His footsteps came across the hall and paused outside Trixie’s door, then the footsteps resumed and she heard Dan going down the stairs.  Trixie’s heart fell.

She desperately needed to talk to somebody, but who?  Normally when she had a problem, she talked to Dan.  Mart was more than willing to listen, but she hated putting him in the middle of this mess.  Honey was so blissfully happy right now, Trixie didn’t want to bother her.  She was Trixie’s best friend, but how could she understand when Brian was the only man she ever loved?

Maybe if she could get it down in black and white, it would help.  Trixie was a list-maker.  She loved columns for pros and cons, things to do lists, class study outlines.  “If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t exist,” she often said.  She went to her desk and turned on the computer monitor.  She had several emails, but none of them caught her eye as anything important or, in the case of two from Jim, anything she was emotionally ready to read or respond to.  Near the bottom of the inbox was an email from her mother.

Trixie’s youngest brother Bobby had finally persuaded her to join the modern world and give up her old typewriter for a computer.  She fussed over the “LOL” and “BTW” and “TTYL” that her youngest son used and she couldn’t understand, but her three eldest were far away and she soon learned to love the ease and speed of email for keeping in touch with them.  Trixie opened her mother’s message.

Dear Trixie,

I am writing to see if you (and Dan too, of course) will be able to come down to Sleepyside for your birthday.  My little girl will be 21 and that’s a major milestone in a young woman’s life.  We’d like to help you celebrate it.  Nothing fancy, just family and of course, any of the Bob-Whites that can make it.

When I celebrated my 21st birthday, I was seven months pregnant with Brian. My, how times have changed.

Call me and let me know.  I know you’ve been busy with finals, but I haven’t heard from you in awhile and I worry about you...I’m your mother, that’s my job.

Love,
Moms

Trixie picked up the phone and hit the speed dial for Crabapple Farm. 

“Hello, Belden residence.”

“Moms?” Trixie asked, feeling very vulnerable but trying to keep her voice on an even keel.

“Trixie, what’s wrong?”  How did her mother do that? Trixie wondered.  She always knew.

“Oh, Moms!  I’m in such a mess and I just don’t know what to do!” she whimpered.

Trixie heard a chair scraping across the kitchen floor at Crabapple Farm.  “I’m here, sweetheart.”  Moms was sitting down, ready to listen.  Trixie wished she could throw her arms around her and sit on her lap, burying her face in her mother’s soft neck like she used to when she was a little girl. 

Trixie didn’t know where to begin.  Although she knew her mother would see right through it, she decided to stick with generalities rather than specifics.  “Moms...how did you know Dad was the one?  Did you ever love anyone else?  Is it even possible to love two people at the same time?”

Helen Belden let out a long, slow breath.  Her heart ached for her only daughter.  Why did love have to be so difficult?  “Your brother was so sure that Honey Wheeler was the only girl for him that he told me, just a few weeks after they met, that he was going to marry her.  Did you know that?”

“No,” Trixie sniffed.

“Mart was at the other extreme, I guess.  It broke his heart to let Diana go, but he knew they could never make it work.  People change, move away, grow up.  They made the right choice for them.  But choices of the heart like Brian’s and Mart’s are rarely that easy, Trixie.”  She paused, then gently asked, “I take it this is about Dan?  And Jim?”

Trixie nodded her head.  Her mother couldn’t see her, of course, but Trixie couldn’t speak while she was trying to choke back tears.  And as always, Moms understood.  “I thought so.  Do you want to talk about it?”

“Oh, Moms!  I’ve messed up everything.  I don’t know what to do.  Dan is furious with me.  He has every right to be.  I haven’t spoken to Jim or even returned his calls or his emails in days.  I don’t want to hurt him.  I don’t want to hurt Dan.  Tell me what to do, Moms.”

Trixie’s mother was no closer to knowing what was going on with her daughter than she had been when she first picked up the phone.  Over the years, she had gotten very adept at figuring out Trixie’s excited or frantic jumble of words that spilled out of her mouth faster than her brain could fill in the holes with some details.  She wasn’t sure she really wanted to know what had gone on between her and Jim and Dan, but she did want to soothe her daughter’s pain.

“Trixie dear, I can’t tell you what to do.  No one can.  You have to figure that out for yourself.”  She could hear her daughter crying in frustration.  “But I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told any of your brothers.”  She paused and waited until she felt Trixie was paying attention. 

“When your father and I had been engaged for about four or five months, I decided to go out on a date with my high school beau.”

Trixie gasped.  She hadn’t even known her mother had a high school beau.  It was a silly thought.  Of course her mother would have dated other boys before she met Peter Belden in college.  Still, Trixie thought, looking at a photo of her parents that hung above her computer, I just can’t imagine her with anybody but Daddy.

“Don’t be so shocked, Trixie.  I did do a couple of scandalous things in my youth.”

“Did Dad know?”

Her mother laughed, “Of course not.  We were married for more than a year before I confessed.”

“Who was he?”

“His name was Alan Young and he was my boyfriend my junior year in high school.  He was a senior.  He had blond hair and blue eyes and he was on the football team.  He was very…outgoing, which I guess is a tactful way to say he was a little bit wild and irresponsible.  To this day I wonder how I could have fallen in love with two men who were such polar opposites as Alan Young and Peter Belden.”  Trixie’s father had dark hair and dark eyes.  He was scholarly rather than athletic, and he was serious and conscientious.

“Why did you go out with him, Moms?  Didn’t you love Dad?”

“I most certainly did love your father.  We were engaged to be married.  But there was a part of my heart that was still occupied by my first love.  I couldn’t stop wondering if I was making the right choice.  I guess I wasn’t sure what true love really was.”

“How did you find out?  What true love really is, I mean?”

“Well, Alan and I went out and had a perfectly lovely evening.  He had grown even more handsome in the two years he had been away at college.  He brought me flowers and opened doors for me and held my hand at the restaurant and kissed me goodnight.  He nearly swept me off my feet.”  She paused and was silent for a few moments, lost in her memories.

“And…?” Trixie prompted.

“And the whole time we were together, all I could think about was how I was hurting your father.  The feelings I had or didn’t have for Alan weren’t nearly as important as your father’s feelings.  That’s how you know what true love is, Trixie dear.”

Trixie’s forehead crinkled in confusion, “How?”

“When you care more about someone else than you do yourself.  When you put that person’s needs and emotions ahead of yours in every way, that’s love.”

Trixie thought hard about that, mulling over the roller coaster of emotions she had experienced the last couple of days.

“And Trixie?”

”Yes, Moms?”

“It is possible to love two men at the same time.  But your heart will tell you which one is true love and which one is simply true friendship.”

“Thank you, Moms.”

“I love you, Trixie.  And we’ll see you in a couple of weeks for your birthday?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Talk to them, Trixie.  Tell them how you feel.”

“I will, Moms.  I will.”

************************************************

As soon as Trixie ended the call with her mother, she scrolled through her phone list and placed two more calls.  She got voicemail both times and left only the briefest of messages.  “Please call me.  We have to talk.”  This wasn’t something she wanted to do by voicemail.

She tried concentrating on her studies for awhile.  She knew that was something she couldn’t put off.  Dan and Jim would both still be there when this week was over.  She studied for about an hour, one ear attentive for any sounds from the hallway indicating Dan’s return.  She finally decided to go to his place to study, hoping she’d be able to concentrate better if she knew she wouldn’t miss his return.

As she opened her door, the edge of a piece of paper taped to her door fluttered upwards.  She took down the note.  It was from Dan.

Trix,

I went down to Sleepyside to visit Uncle Bill for the weekend.  You need time to study and we both need time to think.

I’m going to go straight to the academy when I come back, so you won’t see me until Friday night or maybe Saturday morning.

Dan

A tear fell from Trixie’s cheek and splashed down above Dan’s name where the word “Love” should have been written, but wasn’t.  Almost as an afterthought, Dan had scribbled down his itinerary for her at the bottom of the page.

She heard her phone ringing inside her apartment and flew to answer it.  “Dan?”

“No, Trix.  It’s Mart.  What’s going on?”

Trixie sighed.  “Nothing, Mart.”

Mart waited.  He knew Trixie wanted to talk to somebody.  He could feel it.

“Dan and I had a fight last night.  He went to Sleepyside this morning.”

“I’m sorry, Trix.  Do you want me to come down there and take you home to see him?”

“No,” she replied, gritting her teeth.  “Dan said we needed time to think.  And I’ve got finals this week.”  She remembered that Dan wasn’t the only person she needed to have a serious conversation with.  “Is Jim around?  I left him a message this morning, but he hasn’t returned my call.”

“Seems to me you should be patching things up with Dan, not talking to Jim.” 

“Mart, please.”

“Unless you’re planning on going back to Jim?”  There was silence on the other end of the line.  Mart shook his head miserably.  “Jim’s not here.  He’s been in Houston at a conference all week.  He won’t be back until Monday night.”

“Is he flying into Albany?  Can you give me his flight information please?”

This time it was Mart’s turn to be silent.  Come on, Mart, Trixie pleaded silently, Don’t let me down now.

“Flight 1412 from Houston through Atlanta.  Lands at 7:40,” Mart mumbled reluctantly.

“Thank you, Mart,” Trixie said gratefully as she ripped a piece of paper out of one of her notebooks and scrawled down the information.

“Trixie...what’s going on?”

She shook her head slowly.  “I wish I could tell you, Mart, but I just don’t know.”

Mart sighed, “Take care of yourself, little sister.”

“I’ll try.  Good-bye, Mart.”

Trixie hung up the phone and sat silently at her kitchen table.  There wasn’t much more she could do until Monday evening.  With a heavy sigh, she opened up one of her textbooks and began to study.

************************************************

Despite Trixie’s belief that she would never be able to concentrate and would flunk every final she had that week, she did manage to focus on studying all day Sunday without thinking too often about her personal problems.  Her first two finals were Monday morning and she was surprised to find that she flew through them both with minimal difficulty.  She had no finals scheduled for Tuesday, but three more coming up Wednesday and Thursday.  She hoped she would be as prepared for those.

She hurried home after a few hours at the law office and sat down determinedly to cram for her last three finals of the semester.  She had been studying so hard the last couple of days, not to mention all the emotional turmoil she was dealing with, that her eyes soon grew heavy and she fell asleep at the kitchen table with her head on one of her books.

************************************************

“I love you, Trixie.”

Trixie looked up into his eyes.  Those eyes that looked at her with so much love and trust and hope that she thought her heart would burst.  They were dancing under a canopy of stars.  Trixie looked around her.  Her family and friends were all gathered, watching the happy couple.  Everybody was smiling.  She laid her head on his chest and sighed contentedly.  He ran his fingers lovingly through her curls and kissed the top of her head.  She looked up at him again and he leaned down, their lips moving closer and closer to one another.  Right before they kissed she whispered, “I love you too.  With all my heart.”  Everything was perfect...perfectly perfect. 

Trixie woke up with a start.  The small apartment was nearly in darkness.  She looked at the clock on the microwave and gasped.  She hurriedly flicked on the kitchen light and began frantically shuffling through the papers and notebooks and textbooks strewn on the table.  Where was it?  Where was that paper with the flight time written on it?  A stack of papers balancing precariously on the edge of the table fell onto the floor.  “Damn it!” Trixie yelled in frustration.  She bent down to pick them up and there it was, tucked underneath some class notes.  She grabbed it, checked the clock again, snatched up her purse from the table and rushed out the door.

She ran down to the end of the block, where she knew she would be able to find a cab.  She anxiously flagged one down and jumped in.  “Albany International,” she told the driver and leaned back uneasily against the seat.  When the driver didn’t respond with the same urgency that Trixie felt, she bent forward and leaned on the seat in front of her.  “Can you please go faster?” she implored him.

“You in a hurry?” he chuckled.  Everybody was always in a hurry where airports were concerned.  Why couldn’t they learn to be there on time?  He looked up in his rearview mirror into the pretty blonde’s beseeching blue eyes and promptly put a little more pressure on the accelerator.

Trixie leaned back again and checked her watch.  It would be close.  She didn’t want to miss him.