~Chapter 3A~
Misgiving
(originally posted August 7, 2007)

“Do you know how proud I am of you?” Trixie asked, as she flung her arms around Jim’s broad shoulders and kissed him.  Jim was recently graduated from Boston University with a dual degree in Business Management and Early Childhood Development, finishing the strenuous program in record time, and was ready to embark on his childhood dream of opening a school for orphaned and abused boys.

Trixie’s lips warmed his in the brisk January wind; he wished it could warm his heart as easily.  He stiffened ever so slightly, but in the next moment he was melting in her arms and returning her affection.  He had been dreading this day for weeks and now he just wasn’t sure how he was going to go through with it.  But he had to.  He knew it was the right thing to do; and no matter what Trixie would think now, she would see the wisdom of it…someday…he hoped.

He hoped he would too.

He forced himself to pull away from her embrace.  She didn’t seem to notice but simply took his hand in hers.  The two of them left the horses tied to a tree and wandered down near the edge of the frozen Wheeler lake.  They stood there silently for several minutes, Trixie curled up securely against Jim’s side, her arm around his waist; Jim keeping his eyes closed as he worked up the courage to speak.

Jim and Trixie had been officially dating for less than two years.  Her father wouldn’t allow his little girl to “go steady” – with a college boy, no less – until she was sixteen.  But they had known each other for well over four years and there had always been special feelings between them.  Jim had been allowed to escort Trixie to school dances and B.W.G. outings and such prior to her sixteenth birthday, but that was all.  All their dates until she turned sixteen were very public.  It was all very proper and chaste, even after she was old enough to go on more intimate dates. Not that they hadn’t wanted more; but they were willing to wait.

Now Jim was glad they had.  Maybe it would make this a little easier.  Maybe.  He took a deep breath and steeled his frayed nerves.  “Trixie?”

“Mmm?” she murmured contentedly.

“Trixie, I need to talk to you about something.”

She looked up at him, her blue eyes bright with trust and expectancy.  Was he doing the right thing?  Of course he was.  He had gone over this all in his head a million times.  He couldn’t turn back now just because she was looking at him like that.

He sighed and turned to the nearby picnic table, covered in snow.  He wiped off one of the benches with his gloved hand so Trixie could sit down.  He straddled the bench so he would be directly facing her when he spoke.  She drew one knee up and edged around to face him. 

“Trixie.”  He paused a long time, then took a deep breath and continued, “Trixie, I think maybe you and I should spend a little time apart.”

She said nothing.  Jim could tell by the look in her eyes and her slightly wrinkled brow tucked beneath her knit cap that she didn’t understand.

“I just don’t think this is going to work,” he offered weakly.

“What’s not going to work?  Jim, what are you talking about?  Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no.  Of course not.  I just mean that…”  His voice trailed off and he put his hand up to rub his throbbing temples.  He wasn’t sure what he meant.  It had all made perfect sense to him earlier.  Why couldn’t he explain it now?

“What?  You just mean what?” Trixie’s voice had a little edge to it and Jim knew he’d have to speak quickly to head off the outburst that was coming.  It was just one of many reasons he had come up with why he and Trixie wouldn’t be able to maintain a long-term relationship.  They both had tempers too short and too hot to not be fighting constantly.

“Trixie, I don’t think you and I could ever make it work.  You and me, I mean.  Not for the long haul.  I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and it’s just becoming clearer and clearer to me every day.”

Trixie’s eyes had lost that flash of blue steel that Jim so admired.  He tried mightily to hold her injured gaze.  He had to make her understand.

“Trixie, we want different things; things that aren’t going to work in a relationship.  I’m going to Indian Lake next week to start on the school.  It’s been my dream for years.  But Indian Lake is no place for you and your dreams.”

Trixie opened her mouth to argue, but Jim held up one hand.  “Please, Trix.  Let me finish.”

She clamped her mouth shut quickly, but Jim saw a small ember of that fire flickering in her eyes again.

“I would never, in a million years, ask you to give up your dreams.  And that’s what would happen if you came to Indian Lake with me.  If you’re going to be a detective, you’re going to have to live in a city, Trix.  You’re not going to find any mysteries in Indian Lake.”

”I’ve found plenty in Sleepyside,” she interrupted.

“Yeah, and Sleepyside is a virtual metropolis compared to Indian Lake, and it’s less than an hour from the biggest city in the country.  I can’t live in a city and run the kind of school I want to run.  You can’t live in the sticks and make a living.  And if you can’t make a career doing what you love, you won’t be happy.”  He didn’t want to bring up their way too similar temperaments with her on the edge of an explosion, but it had to be pointed out.  “And if you’re not happy, you let me know about it in no uncertain terms.  And when I’m not happy, I let you know.  We would end up arguing constantly, Trixie.  You have to know that’s true.”

She didn’t reply.  Jim could see the emotions warring in her eyes.  If she argued it wasn’t true, then it was true.  But Trixie Belden was not a girl who could easily keep quiet.

“No matter what you decide to do with your life, it has to have adventure in it.  I know that.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s part of why I love you so much.  But part of my nature is to worry about you.  I can’t do that for fifty years.  It would drive you crazy and worry me into a stomach full of ulcers.”

It already has, he thought.  Between the adventures she had already dragged him on and this particular moment in time, he thought he could chug down a whole gallon of Pepto-Bismol and not feel any better.

“And then there’s the school to consider.  This is going to be so much work, Trixie; from building to remodeling to the unbelievable amounts of paperwork and legal work.  I don’t think even I clearly comprehended what a mammoth undertaking this is going to be.  It’s going to have to be my entire focus and my entire life for several years.  And I…I just can’t bear to make you take a backseat to anything.  You deserve better than that.”

It was the consolation he had tried to find for his speech.  It probably wasn’t going to make much difference in how Trixie felt, but he really wanted her to know just how much she meant to him.

She was silent for a long time.  Too long.  Jim started to feel his stomach twisting in knots again.  He almost wanted her to tell him he was an idiot.  That he was making decisions for them without consulting her.  That she would give up anything to be with him. 

But she didn’t.  She simply said softly, “So, we’re not actually spending some time apart, are we?  We’re breaking up.”

Jim nodded, swallowing hard.  “I’m sorry, Trix.”

“No,” she interrupted suddenly, “No, you’re right.  Of course, you’re right, Jim.  I don’t know why I never thought about these things before.”  Her head was down so he couldn’t see her fighting her tears.

Jim’s heart sank, and then he thought about what Trixie was saying.  This starry-eyed naïve little girl thought he was perfect.  How could he live up to that?  He couldn’t.  And it was better to end it now then to let her find out the awful truth years down the road – that he wasn’t perfect, that he was far from perfect, that he struggled regularly with demons she couldn’t even fathom.

It might break his heart to never be married to Trixie Belden, but it would kill him to be divorced from her.  At least this way they still had a chance to remain friends.

Jim jumped at the ringing of the phone.  He had his cell phone clutched in his hand and had drifted away into his memories without placing his intended call.  He glanced at the display.  It was Trixie, of course.  He had promised to call her at 2:00 and it was now…2:07.

Jim rolled his eyes and laughed under his breath.  He knew the “I” of her middle name stood for Irene, her grandmother’s name, but until he saw her passport when they went to England a few years ago he would have sworn it stood for Impatience.

“Hello, Miss Fussbudget,” he answered teasingly, hoping to keep the mood light for this first heart-to-heart they had had since their break-up nearly seven months ago.

Trixie laughed nervously.  “Hi, Mr. Workaholic.  Did you forget about me?”

Never, Jim thought.  “Of course not,” he said aloud.  “I was just getting ready to call you.”

There was silence on both ends for agonizing minutes.  Finally, Trixie blurted, “I am a poor college student, Jim.  I can’t afford to be wasting all these phone minutes.  And I don’t want my cell going dead waiting for you to get up the courage to share some deep, heartfelt apology with me!”

“Apology!”  Jim shouted.  “What makes you think –?”  But he could suddenly hear Trixie snickering on the other end of the phone and he blushed, embarrassed that she had so easily provoked him into a not uncommon flare up of his temper.  “Trixie, don’t do that over the phone.”

“And why not?” she asked pertly.

”Because if I can’t see those blue eyes of yours dancing, I don’t know you’re teasing.”

“Well, I think it’s about time I got some teasing of my own in.  You’ve tortured me enough over the last five years.”

Jim laughed softly under his breath, “That’s true.  But you almost always walked into every one of those opportunities, Trix.  I couldn’t let Mart have all the fun.”

There was another moment of quietness as they both shifted into a more serious frame of mind.  Jim braced himself and began, “All right, Trix.  Whatever you need to tell me, I’m ready for it.  I expect I deserve whatever you want to throw at me.”

Trixie hesitated for only a moment.  “You need to know how angry I was that day, Jim.”

“Last week?  When I kissed you?”

”No.  The day you broke up with me.”

“You were mad?”  He didn’t remember her being mad.  He remembered her being unusually hushed and compliant.

”Why wouldn’t I be mad?  As usual, you took over the whole situation and made plans for my entire future without discussing it with me.  You always do that.  And you’ve got such an unbearably one-track mind that you refuse to listen to anybody else or think that somebody else, namely me, could contribute anything to the discussion.  You didn’t ask me if I thought we should break up.  You didn’t ask me if I wanted to spend my life in Indian Lake.  You didn’t ask me how I felt about playing second fiddle to your school.  You didn’t ask me anything!  You just made your decision and dumped it on me.  You didn’t stop to consider what I thought or how I felt.  Who cares what Trixie thinks?  Who cares what Trixie wants?  You can make decisions for yourself, but you can’t run everybody else’s life on top of it!”

She stopped for a breath, then gasped, “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“Why are you sorry?”  Jim knew he deserved the tirade she was spouting at him.

“Because I – I should have told you this months ago.  I should have told you right away.  I just...I guess you just caught me off guard that day...way off guard, Jim.  It wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.”

Jim closed his eyes and groaned inwardly.  He didn’t know for sure what Trixie had been expecting, or hoping, to hear from him, but he could guess.  And it was so incredibly the opposite of a break-up that he suddenly understood why she had been so quiet that day, so unlike the brash, impetuous girl he fell in love with.  He couldn’t believe he had managed to so thoroughly screw up not only their relationship but the break-up as well.

Jim took the opportunity her silence afforded to say, “I’m the one who should be sorry, Trix.”

Trixie had been preparing to continue, but Jim’s soft apology stopped her short and she completely forgot what she had been going to say next.  “What?”

“I said I’m sorry.  Isn’t that what you wanted to hear?”

“Jim Frayne!  I don’t want you to spout out what you think I want to hear!  I want you to –“ and it was Trixie’s turn to blush as she heard Jim’s husky laughter on the other end of the line.  “You are not teasing me, are you?”

“Yes, I am.  I’m sorry.”

And though she tried to fight it, Trixie couldn’t help giggling.  “Stop apologizing.  That’s what I’m trying to do.”

“All right, I won’t say it, but please know that it’s true, Trix.  I feel like a complete jackass.”  He paused.  “But why didn’t you say anything then?  If nothing else, I kind of expect you to have a tantrum when you don’t get your way.”

“You don’t really think that of me, do you?”  Trixie’s voice was small on the other end of the line.

“No.  Not really.  You’re just…passionate, I guess.  You don’t usually hide your feelings, especially not your feelings about me and my bullheadedness.”

“You just made so much sense.  I didn’t know you felt that way.  I never stopped to think about things like that.  I guess I just assumed that love would conquer all.  It took me weeks to really sit down and think about what you said, Jim.  I mean really think about it.”

Jim waited.  He could almost feel Trixie thinking about it yet again as she sat in silence. 

Finally, she sighed.  “You were right, Jim.  I hate it, but you were right.”

Jim tried to smile at that.  “You hate that I was right?” he chided gently.

Trixie laughed softly, “No.  I just hate it period.  You don’t know how many times since then that I’ve thought about calling you and telling you I’d do anything to be with you.  I even tried and tried to come up with some alternative career choices, just so I could convince you I’d be happy living in Indian Lake.”

“And what did you come up with?”

Trixie let out a long, frustrated breath, “Teacher.  Yeah, that would go over well.  My students would be smarter than I am.  Head chef for the school, but none of Moms’ genes have rubbed off on me, I’m afraid.”  She paused before quietly adding the one serious thought she had had, ”Wife and mother.”

Jim thought about Trixie, a younger version of Helen Belden, mothering tow-headed kids and carrot-topped kids in a cozy house on the outskirts of his school property.  It was a pleasant picture, but an unsettling one as well.  It was like watching a movie that he had no directorial power over.

Trixie must have thought the same thing, because she said, “I just couldn’t see it.  Maybe I’m too young.  Maybe I’m not ready for something like that.  Maybe I never will be.  But you were absolutely right when you said I wouldn’t be happy trying, just to please you.  And if I could picture myself that miserable, I can only imagine how miserable you’d be living in a big city, constantly trying to keep me out of danger while you pursued a career that didn’t make you completely happy.”

She paused and then added, “And I’m sorry I put you through that so many times.”

Jim choked up.  He didn’t really feel that Trixie had a complete grasp on all that he went through during their high school years.  He didn’t know if Trixie really understood how afraid he had been of losing her, after losing his parents, his home, his boyish innocence, so young in life.  But the fact that she tried to understand touched him.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, Trixie.  I’m sorry I pushed you away.  But it just seemed a better alternative than…” he paused for a long moment.  Then he decided, to hell with it.  No matter what can of worms it opened, he had to say it.  “than losing you some other way.”

“I meant what I said last week, Jim.  You’ll never lose me.”

Jim was suddenly glad they had not had this conversation in person.  He didn’t want Trixie to see the tears rolling down his freckled face at that moment.

"And don’t think I don’t know how much it scares you to think about losing someone you care about,” she added softly.

She did understand.

That thought alone blew Jim away.  He had given Trixie far less credit than she deserved.  Why?  He’d seen her face down hardened criminals, root down to the heart of a complete stranger’s problems, solve mysteries that stumped far more experienced men and women.  Why did he so grossly underestimate her ability to read him so well?  And why did it scare him so much that she could?  He suddenly came to the sober realization that he still wasn’t ready for anybody, not even Trixie, to break through that wall. 

He’d just have to add it to the list of reasons why he and Trixie could never make a long-term relationship last.  The more he kept from her, the more he would unconsciously push her away.  And the thicker that wall got, the more she would resent it.  He thought back over the last two years and marveled that they had lasted that long.  Living nearly four hours away in Boston and spending so much time on his scholastic pursuits had simply left little time for the two of them to delve into the serious parts of a normal relationship.  All the grimly dangerous situations they had faced over the years did nothing to prepare them for the serious issues that couples deal with in everyday life.

But what would happen when he was ready to face his demons?  Who would face them with him? 

He started to get a panicky feeling in his chest.  Had he done the wrong thing by letting her go?  He opened his mouth to cautiously broach the subject, but Trixie spoke before he had a chance.

“I suppose there’s a part of me that will always love you, Jim.  But...”

It was astonishing the power and force one little word could hold.

Jim almost wanted her to just say it.  To be the outspoken Trixie he loved so much.  But he knew she was trying not to hurt him.  He felt compelled to finish her thought for her, even though each word brought a stab of pain to his heart.

“You love Dan now.”

For a long moment, she didn’t reply.  Jim could feel her struggling to get the words out, torn between her compassion for him and her true feelings for Dan.  When she spoke, her words were soft but unmistakably firm, leaving no doubt in Jim’s mind how she felt.

“Yes.  I do.”

Jim felt every emotion drain from his body in that moment.  It was true.  It really was over.  He tried to listen as Trixie continued.

“I won’t tell you it didn’t surprise me, because it did.  I mean...I thought it was pretty amazing to fall in love just once with one of my best friends.  I never dreamed I’d be lucky enough to have something like that happen again.  But once I got past that, I realized how...I don’t know – how...right it felt…how right it is.”

Jim clenched his jaw to try and prevent another onslaught of tears.  How could he argue with that, after giving her a whole list of reasons why he and she didn’t make sense?

“Please don’t blame Dan for this, Jim,” Trixie implored.

“I don’t,” Jim said honestly. “I don’t blame anybody, Trixie.”  Except myself.

“He thinks you do.  He’s upset with me for not telling you.  He’s upset with you for making me feel bad.  But most of all he blames himself for getting in the middle of it.  He doesn’t like losing loved ones any more than you do, Jim.  You have to talk to him.”

“I know.  I will.  But you’ve got to tell him not to blame himself.  How could he get in the middle of something that didn’t exist?  We were over months before you two got together.”  Jim heard his voice starting to get tense.  He was going to have to wrap this up before he said something he didn’t mean. 

“And don’t blame yourself either.”

That was the second time she had seen right through his mask to the heart of the matter.  It unnerved him.  He wasn’t sure if he was more upset by the fact that she knew him so well, or the fact that he apparently didn’t know her at all.

In the five years since he had been freed from Jonesy’s abusive grasp and had come to Sleepyside to live, Jim had slowly but surely grown more secure.  He felt safe and loved by so many families – the Wheelers, the Beldens, the B.W.G.’s.  But there was still a great deal of underlying insecurity about his past that he didn’t share with anybody, not even Trixie.  The fact that she had sensed it and knew it, without ever pressing him about it, really shook him hard.  He was just now feeling the true measure of the consequences of the decision he had made that cold January afternoon.  And it was too late to turn back the clock now.

“Jim?”  Trixie’s gentle voice brought him out of his glum reverie. 

“I’m here.”

“Did you hear what I said?”

”Yes.”  He didn’t want to lie to Trixie.  He would blame himself and he didn’t know how to stop that.  He hoped she would just let it go.

She didn’t say anything more, but Jim didn’t feel like she had let it go either.

After a long pause Jim said, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had about all the intense soul-searching I can take for one day.”

“Wimp,” Trixie teased, but with a catch in her voice.

“You better believe it,” Jim hesitated then asked, “Do you want me to call you again in a few days?”

“No.  I want you to call Dan.”

“I will.  I promise.  I gotta go, Trixie.  But I’m glad we had this talk.  Really, I am.”

“Me too.  It’s going to be okay, Jim.  You’re one of my best friends.  I don’t ever want to lose that.”

“You won’t.”  I wouldn’t ever let that happen.  I couldn’t.

And he meant it.  But he also knew that his life had changed irrevocably.  And things would never be the same again.