April 24, 1999

Brian trudged his way wearily into the apartment and automatically leaned over the couch to give his wife a peck on the cheek.  He was ready to crawl into bed as most people were crawling out and heading to work.  No, not work, he told himself, it’s Saturday.  “How’re you feeling?” he mumbled, not really listening to her response as he turned to go to the bedroom.

“Like crap,” Honey replied.  Brian didn’t even notice her unladylike language.  “Brian, we need to talk.”

“Sweetheart, I really need to get a few hours of sleep.  I’m not back at work until Monday and this weekend might be the last chance I’ll have to study for my finals.  Can we talk later?”

Because he was tired and was already heading toward the bedroom, he didn’t see her wide hazel eyes filling with tears.  That was probably a good thing.  He might have brushed it off as hormones, which might have made her cry in earnest.

“Brian, you’re always at work and when you’re here, you’re not even here.  I mean, you’re here, but you’re sleeping or studying.  You’re not here ... for me, I mean.  I can’t do this alone.”

The last was said in a whisper, almost a whimper, and Brian stopped in his tracks and sighed.  Turning back to the living room, he sank down onto the couch and pulled his wife into his arms.  “I’m sorry, Hon, but you knew it was going to be like this.”

Honey sniffled and wiped her face against his shirt.  “I know, but I didn’t know I’d be pregnant while we were going through this.  It’s just … it’s just hard.”

“That’s why we weren’t going to start our family until after I finished my residency,” he reminded her gently.  He didn’t mean it as an accusation, but that’s how she took it.

“I didn’t forget, Brian!” she snapped.  “Sometimes, even the pill doesn’t work!”

“I know that,” he said shortly, then stopped to take a steadying breath.  They didn’t need to be fighting about this, definitely not while she was hormonal and he was sleep deprived.

“It’s been two weeks since we found out, and we haven’t even discussed it,” she went on.

Frowning, he asked, “Discussed what?”

She pulled away and turned to face him with a look of sheer incredulity on her pretty, though tear-streaked, face.  “The baby.”

“What’s there to discuss?”

“I don’t know,” she answered with a weak shrug.  “Don’t couples have all sorts of things to talk about when they find out they’re pregnant?  Hospitals and names and whether it’ll be a boy or a girl and if we should move to a bigger place and who the godparents will be and how we’ll decorate the nursery.  We haven’t discussed anything at all and I guess I’m wondering if...”

She didn’t complete her thought and for once, Brian had no idea what she was thinking.  That realization alone unnerved him.  He loved being able to read Honey’s mind, and he loved that she could always read his.  He really needed some sleep.  “What is it, sweetheart?”

“Do you want to have this baby?”  Her voice was so soft he almost didn’t hear her.  Almost.  But he did hear her and as quietly as the question was presented, it sounded deafening in his ears.

“Honey, you can’t seriously be thinking about—”

She pulled free of his embrace and stood, crossing to the window and wrapping her arms around herself for comfort.  “I’m not,” she said firmly.  “I just didn’t know if maybe you were.”

He wanted to rush to her side but felt temporarily paralyzed by the mere idea of what she was suggesting.  Finally forcing his legs to obey, he jumped up and in two quick strides was behind her, grabbing her gently by the shoulders and turning her to face him.

“Never even once,” he said, carefully enunciating each word, his dark eyes penetrating into hers.  “How could you even think that?”

It was too much for her and she put her face in her hands and began sobbing quietly.  Only Brian’s hands on her shoulders kept her from slipping to the floor in a tearful heap.  He folded her up into his arms and brushed his lips against her honey-colored hair.

“I’m sorry,” she cried.  “It’s just that, all your life all you’ve ever wanted to be is a doctor and now I’ve gone and messed everything up.  I thought you were mad at me.  I thought maybe you were mad at the baby and just wanted us both to disappear.”

Closing his eyes in frustration, he held her closer.  He let her cry for a few minutes and then put his fingers under her chin and tilted her face up to his.  Kissing her on the forehead, he said, “Honey Wheeler Belden, this pregnancy is the most poorly timed thing I could ever imagine happening right now.  This baby has most definitely messed up the responsible, well-planned schedule I had worked out for our lives.”

Softening his intense expression, he whispered, “And I couldn’t possibly be any happier.”

Sniffling, she blinked away her tears and stared up at him in astonishment.  He kissed her nose and smiled adoringly at her and she tentatively smiled back.

Pulling her close again, he added, “I’m going to have a baby with the one person I love most in this world.  How could anything compare to that?”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do.  Yes, I’m shocked.  I’m stunned, flabbergasted, astonished, and dumbfounded.  I’m sorry I haven’t been here to discuss color samples and fabric swatches with you.  I’m sorry I haven’t been awake when you want to discuss names or when you need me to hold your hair back while you upchuck your breakfast.”

That made her smile brighter as she tried to hold back a giggle.

“But I swear to you, Honey, that every morning when I wake up—or every middle of the night I wake up—wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, the thing foremost in my mind is, ‘I’m going to be a father.’  And it’s amazing.”

He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her long and deep.  When he finally broke away, his lips just inches from hers, he whispered, “You won’t be doing this alone.  I promise.”

***

May 18, 1999

“Are you sleeping?”

Brian jerked to attention, his face flushing with embarrassment.  “No, of course not.  I’m—”

“Meditating?”

He turned his head to smile sardonically at the teenage girl beside him.  “Meditating?”

“That’s what my dad always used to say when we caught him—”  She broke off abruptly and lowered her eyes to stare uncomfortably at the cracked blacktop of the ambulance bay parking lot.

Brian wished he could get India to open up to him, but she always clammed up as soon as she realized she was putting forth too much personal information about her past.  With a sigh, he extended his arm toward her.  “You want the rest of my sandwich?”  He had already given her half of it, but he wasn’t that hungry and he was too tired to even think about chewing anyway.

It physically pained him to see the hunger in her eyes and hear the forced nonchalance of her voice when she replied, “Only if you’re not gonna eat it.”  He thrust it toward her to confirm that he no longer wanted it and purposely closed his eyes so she wouldn’t feel self-conscious as she wolfed it down.

Letting his head fall back against the hard concrete behind him, he muttered, “God, these hours suck.”

“You’re almost done with school though, right?” India mumbled with her mouth full.

“Yeah, but then I start my residency.”  He chuckled dryly as he added, “It’s not going to get any better, that’s for sure.”

“Where did you decide to go?” she asked, her quiet voice piercing him with guilt that he could leave her once again friendless.  “John Hopkins or Massachusetts General?”

He managed a half-hearted grin, touched and amused that she remembered the things he had told her.  “It’s Johns Hopkins, and if you really wanted to sound in the know, you’d call it Mass General.”

“Whatever,” she replied with a teasing roll of her eyes.  “I ain’t no doctor.  I’m not a doctor,” she quickly corrected, knowing he would if she didn’t.  “So, which one?”

Brian pulled his head up off the wall and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, as much as to support the crushing weight of his mental burdens as to soothe the kink in his neck.

Johns Hopkins and Mass General had both shown an interest in accepting him into their elite programs, but with the baby on the way, and Trixie and Dan now living in the city as well, he had decided the best plan for all of them would be if he and Honey stayed here.  Maybe if she hadn’t been pregnant he would have chosen one of the other hospitals, but family was important to him—to them both—and he didn’t want his child growing up and only seeing his grandparents and aunts and uncles on holidays.  Besides, doing his residency in New York City was hardly “settling”.  Bellevue was among the top five hospitals in the country serving his chosen specialty—emergency pediatrics.

No, he had made the right decision.  He was sure of it.

Turning his attention back to India, he said, “Neither.  I’m staying here in New York.  Bellevue.”

Her eyes brightened hopefully before they turned quizzical.  “Why?”

He studied her for a moment.  Her bright blue eyes, so much like his sister’s.  Her bottled blond hair with hints of auburn roots at the top, crookedly chopped at the ends—probably by her own hand.  The cheap cosmetics applied to make her look older, though she had told him more than once that it was her childlike features that made her an attractive purchase on the streets.  Her clothing was just as cheap and tawdry and usually barely there, which was saying quite a lot since the frame it covered was thin and barely there, itself.  He wondered again what it was about this street urchin that made him feel he could open up to her, tell her his secrets and know they were safe.

He knew she was on the list of reasons why he didn’t want to leave New York at this time.

Smiling, he said, “My wife is pregnant.”

She smiled back, her eyes glowing with pleasure.  “Really?  That’s way cool.”

He nodded and chuckled under his breath.  “Yes, it’s definitely cool.”

“So that’s why you’re staying here?  Aren’t women allowed to have babies in those other cities?”

He snorted at her smart mouth and shook his head.  “I just wanted to stay near family, I guess.  The next four years are going to be rough.  I don’t want Honey raising our child by herself in Boston or Baltimore.  I want her to have family around.”

“Well … what does Honey want?”

“Of course she’d rather be close to her family.”

“So, she said she didn’t want to move to Boston, or wherever?”

Brian furrowed his brow and stared hard at India.  What was she getting at?

Her gaze was level and penetrating, yet still maintaining the wide-eyed innocence that kept her from sounding combative when she asked, “You just decided, without giving your wife any say in the matter?”

He tried to glare at her, but the truth of her words sank quickly into his brain and he relaxed his features into something resembling sheepish guilt.

Thankfully, he was interrupted from having to explain himself to a teenage prostitute.

“Dr. Belden.”

Brian grinned as the uniformed police officer made his way toward them.  “I don’t have my diploma quite yet, Dan.”

He and India both stood up, though India’s movements were jumpy and agitated, like a spooked cat with its back arched, ready to race up a tree at the first sign of the neighbor’s dog.  Instinctively, he grabbed her elbow before she could skitter away.  “India, this is my future brother-in-law, Dan Mangan.  Dan, this is India.”

He had told Dan a little bit about the troubled runaway—what little he knew anyway—and Dan showed no surprise or judgment, but merely nodded and gave her a friendly smile.  “India, nice to meet you,” he said, and held out his hand in greeting.

She stared at it in suspicion, as if he might pull a pair of handcuffs out of the sleeve of his crisp blue uniform and haul her off to jail.  Brian squeezed her arm in encouragement and she cautiously reached her hand out to shake Dan’s.  She didn’t say anything though, but merely nodded and kept her eyes averted.

“Did you run your new partner off screaming for mercy already?” Brian asked Dan.

Dan smirked at him.  “No, he’s getting some coffee at that hole across the street.  You don’t eat there, do you?”

“Every chance I get.  It’s Jean-Georges compared to the slop we get in the cafeteria here.”

“Dude, if you consider that dive four-star, I hope you’re bringing your meals from home.”

Brian laughed, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw that India was subtly inching away from the men.  “India, you don’t have to leave.”

“Yeah, I do,” she said.  “I—I just got things to do.”

“Have,” Brian corrected, his voice stern, but his eyes twinkling teasingly.

“Whatever.  I’ll catch up with you another time.”

“Remember I’ll be leaving here soon.  You know where to find me?”

She rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, crazy hospital.”  And she was gone before Brian could admonish her again.

Dan’s face was grim.  “What is she?  Fifteen?”

“She swears she’s older than that, but what’s the difference?  She’s still too young.”  Shrugging it off, or trying to at least, he asked, “So, how’s your first day going, rookie?”

Dan grinned.  “Pretty dull, actually, but I can’t complain.  So, you finally decided on Bellevue, huh?”

Brian grimaced at the remembrance of his recent realization.  “Yeah … I sure did.”

Dan raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry.

“It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I was a tad autocratic in choosing my place of residency.  In other words, I made a decision for my family without asking my wife’s opinion … at all.”

Dan let out a low whistle.  “Man, I’d hate to be you when Honey finds out.”

Brian raked a hand through his hair and made a face at Dan.  “Thanks for the support.”

***

May 29, 1999

“Honey, you’re not listening to me,” Brian said.  His voice was low, soothing, trying hard not to sound patronizing.

“Of course, I’m not listening to you,” Honey shot back.  “You’re not even talking to me!”  She was stalking back and forth between the closet, where she yanked clothes ruthlessly off their hangers, and the bed, where she flung them into the open suitcase that was laid out there.

Brian furrowed his brow.  Just as he had last month, when he couldn’t read her mind, he felt the same unsettled feeling now because he couldn’t interpret her charmingly convoluted way of speaking.  He wasn’t sure if it was her overwrought hormones, his lack of sleep, or a combination of both, but their normally symbiotic relationship was most definitely out of whack.

During the past week he had struggled inwardly to present the best possible case for his residency choice to Honey, while hoping to downplay the fact that he had made his decision without asking for her input.  Unfortunately, while he was waffling and wrangling, Honey had inadvertently discovered—via a phone message he had neglected to delete from their home answering machine—that he had turned down Johns Hopkins.  This didn’t sit well with her at all.  She claimed that he was sacrificing his career because of her unplanned pregnancy.  And no matter how many times he told her about Bellevue’s state-of-the-art pediatric emergency medical facility and the brilliant doctors he’d be learning under, all she could see was that she was ruining his life.  He knew she was overly emotional right now, that in time she’d calm down and see the truth.  Right now, though, she was not happy, and neither was he.  When she wasn’t happy, she became frenzied and disordered.  When he wasn’t happy, he desperately sought more order and balance, albeit in rather odd places sometimes.

“Honey,” he began, watching as she haphazardly continued packing.

“What?” she snapped.

“It’s just that—”  He pointed at the suitcase.

“What?”

“Your dad and my dad … and Mart and I … we were planning on going golfing this weekend.”

“So?”  She was becoming more irate every minute.  She seemed to be as upset as he was by the breakdown in their normally fluid non-verbal communication.

“Well … my shirts … you’re—”

Honey glanced down at the once neatly ironed polos she had tossed carelessly into the suitcase.  Bringing her stormy eyes back up to glare at him, she growled, “Well, maybe you can get the little woman to iron them for you once we get to Sleepyside.”  She picked them up, violently twisted them in her hands until they resembled crumpled dishrags, then shoved them forcefully down into the corners of the suitcase.

Brian sighed and put his face in his hands.  Maybe the reason he and Honey never fought was because they did it so badly.  Scooping his hands through his hair, he looked up just in time to see Honey shoving an armful of his sweaters into the already jam-packed suitcase.

“Honey!”

“What now?” she snapped back.

“I don’t think I’m going to need six sweaters for a three-day weekend when it’s almost June.”

She scowled accusingly at the pile of clothes, almost as if he had been the one to pack them when she wasn’t looking.

Gently taking her by the wrist, Brian said softly, “Can we just stop a minute and talk?”

“Trixie and Dan will be here soon,” she grumbled.

“Trixie’s late for everything.  You know that,” he returned with a teasing grin.  “Let’s talk.”

But even his boyish grin wasn’t able to soothe her today.  “Let us talk?  Or let you talk while I sit quietly and agree with everything you say, like the dutiful doctor’s wife I ought to be?”

Still holding her wrist, Brian sank down onto the bed with a sigh.  “You know I don’t think of you that way, sweetheart.  I value your opinion.”

“Except where it concerns your career.”

“I’m sorry, Hon.  It’s just that I’ve been planning my career for years, before we were married, before we had even met.”

“Oh, I see,” she said with a mocking light-heartedness.  “Let’s forget all this ‘the two shall become one’ and ‘what’s mine is yours’ nonsense.  Well, if that’s way you want to do things, maybe I’ll just keep all my pregnancy issues to myself then.  After all, I’ve been dreaming about becoming a mother and having a family since long before I met you, Brian Belden.”

Her anger caught in her throat as she choked out, “Never mind that the minute I met you, I realized I had finally met the man I wanted to share that dream with.”  With a sniff that she probably intended as indignant, but came out forlornly, she added, “I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way about your dreams.”

He opened his mouth to refute her, but was interrupted by a booming, “Hello?  Anybody home?” from down the hall.

“You gave Dan and Trixie our key?” he asked quite innocently, though of course, she didn’t take it that way.

“Of course I did!  Trixie’s your sister, my best friend.  They’re Bob-Whites!  I’m sorry,” she said, as her voice lowered dangerously.  “Are you upset because I didn’t consult you?”

Dan poked his head around the corner of the doorway, one hand covering his eyes.  “You two decent?”

“Yes,” Honey answered shortly.  She pulled away from Brian and returned to her packing.

Dan dropped his hand and grinned.  “Trixie sent me up.  I’m not sure if she was worried about any ‘ick factor’ she might have encountered up here, or if she’s downstairs daring any patrolling officers to try and cite her for double parking.  I think she wants to see just how much clout her government ID has.”

Brian forced a smile and stood, reaching out to shake Dan’s hand in greeting.  “We’re just about ready.  Go ahead and we’ll be down in just a minute.”

“Need any help carrying anything?”

“How about you grab my laptop and backpack?  They’re by the front door.  Thanks, Dan.”

Dan waved as he headed back up the hallway.  Brian turned as Honey zipped the suitcase closed and reached his hand out to take it from her.  “Can we talk about this later, please?”

Her eyes softened somewhat, but she didn’t offer him one of her beautiful smiles.  “Let’s just try to enjoy this weekend, okay?  We’ll discuss it when we get home.”

***

May 31, 1999

“I can’t believe we’re all here!” Trixie exclaimed, raising her voice to be heard above the approaching Sleepyside Junior-Senior High School marching band.

Dan put his arms around her and remarked, “And is it just me, or is it weird that it’s just us again?  The Bob-Whites, I mean.”

“I wanted my sweet cupcake to come,” Mart intoned with a wistful sigh.  “But she and Renee had that spa weekend planned months ago.  Otherwise, we could cuddle in the torchlight, dance to the music, sneak off behind the concession stands and—”

“TMI!” Trixie shouted.

“What?  Like you and Dan weren’t thinking about it?” Mart teased.  “Why, you’d think you two were a dowdy old married couple alrea—ouch!”

“What’s wrong, Mart?” Brian asked with his usual doctorly concern.

“Mangan’s clown feet just squashed my toes,” Mart whimpered dramatically.

“Oh, was that you?” Dan said dryly.  “Sorry.  The crowd, you know.”  He cuffed Mart on the back of his head and grunted as his best friend jabbed him in the ribs.

Brian rolled his eyes.  “Even without Tad, you two are like the Three Stooges.”

Tad had been called to the West Coast by a client at the last minute and hadn’t been able to make it to Sleepyside for the holiday weekend.  Nick Roberts noticed Diana’s downcast expression and put his arm around her for a quick hug.  “Well, I’m here and I’m not a Bob-White,” he pointed out.

“No, but you were here the most memorable Memorial Day in memory,” Honey said in her delightful double-talk.

“I’m just glad you were all here that day.  Otherwise, I’m not sure what might’ve happened to my father’s business,” Nick said gratefully.

“Look!” Diana shouted excitedly, her momentary gloom forgotten.  “There’s Sunny!”

An octet of golden palominos pranced down the street, their coats gleaming.  Their riders were decked out in fancy western show costumes in a rainbow of colors, waving and smiling to the onlookers.

“I’m glad I gave Sunny to Ruthie’s little sister,” Diana said.  With a wistful little sigh she added, “I’m so happy that he’s being loved and has something fun to do.  Aren’t they a great pair?”  She waved to Rebecca Kettner, who caught her eye, waved back, and cued Sunny into a pirouette that made his silver mane and tail wave in the light breeze.  The Bob-Whites all clapped, and Rebecca touched the tip of her bright blue cowboy hat and moved on with the parade.

“I hated to give him up,” Diana said, “but it was just wasn’t fair to let him be a fancy lawn ornament at my parents’ house with nothing to do and no one to pay attention to him.”

“Dad’s cutting back the Wheeler stable, too,” Jim said.

“He is?” Honey gasped.  “I didn’t know that.”

Jim nodded and explained.  “He asked me last night if I wanted to take Starlight and Strawberry up to Indian Lake.  They’ll both make excellent schooling horses.”

“He’s not selling Susie, is he?” Trixie asked anxiously.

“No.  Miss Trask still rides her pretty frequently, and he’s keeping Jupe and Lady for himself and Mother, of course.”

Brian noticed Honey’s eyelashes fluttering furiously, as if she was trying hard to hold back tears.  Raising his voice in a cheerful tone, he asked, “Who’s up for funnel cake?”

Five Bob-Whites, and Nick, all raised their hands enthusiastically.  “You need a hand?” Mart asked.

Brian stared pointedly at him.  “I think not.  Didn’t we learn not to let you go get the parade snacks a few years ago?”

“It wasn’t my fault!” Mart protested.  “It was crowded and somebody jostled me. The plates slid out of my hands!”

Everybody laughed, remembering the Memorial Day when Mart had been sent to get three large funnel cakes to share, only to return with one half-eaten one in hand.

“Honey and I will go.  You stay here, Butterfingers Belden.”  Brian took Honey’s hand and quickly led her away toward the concession booths.

Once they were out of earshot of their friends and clear of the throng crowded close to the street to watch the parade, Brian stopped and put his hands on Honey’s shoulders.  “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t say anything, but simply sniffled and shook her head, keeping her eyes pointed toward the ground.  Putting one finger under her trembling chin, Brian tilted her head up toward him and asked again, this time with his concerned, dark eyes.  She was still blinking rapidly, for the moment effectively keeping the tears at bay.  “Honey?”

“You’ll just tell me it’s my hormones,” she mumbled.

With a gentle smile, he replied, “Just because your hormones are intensifying your emotions, doesn’t mean you’re not feeling them.  Is this about the horses?  Or about us?”

Honey pressed her lips together, a secondary defense against the onslaught of tears that threatened to become public.  After she had successfully regained control, she said, “When you grow up, there are certain changes you expect—going to college, moving away from your friends, getting married, having children.  But I guess I always thought home was something to fall back on, a place where you could go for the comforts of your childhood.”

“Well, you know what they say.  You can’t go home again.”

“I thought that meant things like the new skating rink outside of town or the fact that Wimpy’s has three fast food restaurants to compete with now, not that Daddy would sell the horses!”

“Honey, he hasn’t sold one horse.  He’s just relocated two of them to Jim’s school.  It doesn’t make sense to keep them here when we don’t get out to Sleepyside to go riding very much anymore.  And besides,” he said as he laid a hand affectionately on her still flat stomach, “you won’t be doing any riding for awhile.”

She placed her hand over his and tried to smile.  “There’s just something sad about knowing that we’ll never go riding again.  All of us together, I mean, here in Sleepyside.  I have a lot of happy memories of horseback rides through the preserve.”

Brian leaned in and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger for a moment before saying, “I know I went about my residency decision all wrong, but do you see now why I did it, anyway?  I want you to be close to family and friends, because they’re so important to you.  I didn’t want to take that away from you, not when we’re about to become three.”

She tilted her head up and nodded.  “I understand.”

“Even though you think I was wrong?”

“Even though,” she agreed with a smile.  “Do you understand why I was so upset about it?  It’s just like Daddy not asking my opinion about the horses.  I know it’s your career, but it still affects me.  You’re the most important person in my life and I don’t like to be shut out of decisions that affect us.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I was a putz.”

She giggled a little as she amended his apology. “A big putz.”

Taking her hand and laying it up against his heart, he said solemnly, “On my honor, I will never shut you out of any important decisions that need to be made for our family ever again.  Whether it’s where we live, or buying a new couch ... or deciding how many funnel cakes we need to buy to feed seven normal people, and Mart.”

A brilliant smile lit up her face, one of those smiles he carried in his heart as sunshine for his soul.  “Three for us to share, and one just for Mart.  We can even drop it in the crowd on our way back, if you want.”

Brian waggled his eyebrows and, leaning close to her ear, whispered, “What was he saying earlier about going behind the concession stands?”

Honey giggled.  “What about the funnel cakes?”

“I predict there was a really long line at the funnel cake stand.  We waited forever.  Sorry it took so long.”

He continued murmuring false apologies as he led her back into the darkness behind the corn dog stand.